Some lost thoughts

It is so hard to control emotions, i get the notion

that will not change

I desire a devotion, a passion as strong as the ocean

So different, it would be so strange

how do i find myself amongst all this chaos in my head

I crave to bravely take on this challenge

But I am terrified to face all that trauma instead

I do not know how I would manage

I have felt hurt, pain, and loneliness so deeply I have scars

I once met a woman who made me proud to show them as battle contusions

Bur alas she has been called up above the stars

Her teachings so powerful, in her honor I'd start a revolution

Have you ever met anyone so great everything they touched turned to love?

Whose love, intelligence, and motivation was all you felt you needed to succeed

Whose effect is long lasting even when its radiating from up above

In your honor, all is left is to spread those good deeds

That's what I'll do...

You're so insecure, you probably think this post is about you

 I have never been with someone so insecure...

I can taste your insults when you yell them at me...

You have such sadness and rage...

You bring out the worst in me...

How do we continue a life together when what we have is so fragile

Anything could make it crash, anything can make it fall

I used to think love could make you walk 100 miles

Feels like lately love is at a stall

Barely moving, barely growing, hardly showing.... each other love.

Hate me

You hate that I have guys friends
You hate that I like going out to the bars
You hate that I am friendly
You hate that you are not all I have to do.

You are so jealous all of the time
You are so damn insecure
You are so overprotective, like chill... I am NOT A LITTLE GIRL.

How is it I can be myself around you but at the same time I can't\
I feel stuck unable to see the future or if you and I are there.

Losing myself because of my lack of writing

Life feels like a constant string of responsibilities:

Taking care of my dad and being a part of my family, taking care of my dog, work responsibilities, being a girlfriend to a man I feel I am sometimes so different from..

My social life needs and my love and responsibilities to my friends.

I stopped doing things that make me feel like myself.

I do not work out anymore, I don't eat healthy anymore, I do not write stories anymore and I do not do poetry anymore...

An old friend asked me...

Hey I haven't seen you in a long time.... how's your writing going?

I almost cried.

Wiring is a part of me, it is partly how I define myself and it is what helps me understand myself, the world, and MYSELF IN THIS WORLD.

Today I promise I will get back to it.

I hate the holidays

I hate holidays

the bullshit of a christmas spirit

you are all the same

before and after the tree

some of you will never change

Leaving you all for a far away land

At every corner with the questions the doubt

what was once a solid feeling feels more empty with the more and more holes poked

deflating the hope I have

debating if I know this feeling to be true

realizing it is probably not

So separated from the world, I feel lonelier every day

So dubious about all the relationships in my life

More dubious with time and the time slows every day

I am filled with sorrow and strife

I wish I could disappear

Far far far away from you all

Never a love again

Close your eyes and imagine in the depth of your heart a love so strong and intense that even after its end it leaves leaves it scar.

Your brain thinking
Is my heart sinking
My heart wincing
Barely surviving
Always choking
Low key hoping
But always knowing

Never again...