Old cry for help found whilst on an airplane

To get the ball rolling on my weekend from lovers memory past going, I opened a book I had last read some of months ago. It saddened me to see one of my... lets call it, a declaration of panic" note:

"Mad as hell my hands shaking
legs vibratin
And still
I sit still here
Frozen
Heart beating fast and chest tightening
can barely hear
tears threaten to spill
Spill. Spill. Spill.
But I have to look tough
In front of everyone here
in front of HIM

WHO GHOSTED MY LIFE
WHOSE LOSS OF LOVE HAS PUT ME IN STRIFE
HEART STABBED BY A KNIFE KNIFE KNIFE

WHO HAS NOW POPS UP AND LOOKS AT MY STORY
WITHOUT THINKING ABOUT HOW SORRY

that. would. make. me. feel. of. myself...
Loving you has strengthened by belief

That I Am Not Meant To Be Happy."

3 Steps forward, 100 steps back.... A broken hearts path

There was so much underlying pain already so present and they were consistently cursing through every vain

I put my ego, my pride, my walls, my guard down for a love that caused me almost as much pain as bliss and there were massive amounts of bliss

I had faith a felt that felt this good had to be something meant to be so I took so much humiliation in hopes that in the end was worth it, but it was all in vain

You did not claim me as yours and with each day adding insult by your tenacity in not letting go of a loves past, and I could no longer dismiss...

Our obvious differences in realities in how grand I thought this love to be. It was impossible not to resent this love that eclipsed ours still unto that day

At times it felt necessary to hide behind the debris that remained from the walls broken down, in order to catch my breath and attempt turning from this love so overwhelming that I constantly got lost inside

Attempts failing deeply, I'd give in to the love again but only to eventually brought down again by continuous lack of sharing himself completely and being unable to say he loved me without the glimmer of another lovers name on his tongue, I still remember the day:

I came across a letter to this old love about a dramatic between us, instantly degraded, deflated, and stripped of any pride I felt within our relationship, After that I knew I must decide...

If this love could survive or would I die inside without him. 

Months later still battling uphill in recovering from the hurricane of emotions that was us, I am having to revisit these painful memories in hopes of helping a friend caught in her own emotional accident site at the hands of her now ex-lover. 

A strong ass woman with the strongest character, was now sobbing at the edge of my bed. Tears flooding so hard, chest seizing from the inability to breathe, and cheeks reddening with madness, it took me back to the tears and depression I was left in after my own hearts catastrophe, leaving me lifeless and in the dark...

I had to share with my dear friend, how she is not alone, for I too was in the same insanity over the loss of my biggest life's love, and I too had to explain and show her

That she will eventually feel better. She then asked me if it ever really stops hurting, and to my dismay I realized.... it does not, forever living with a broken heart

Reliving those thoughts and emotions has made my days grey...

Losing it.. Losing all of it...

I feel myself losing it

All of it

The progress I made to want to be better

Deserve better

I can feel that will slipping in my hands like quicksand

I'm seeing that side of me go

But I can no longer control

How desperate I am not to care or feel

And once upon a time that was real and the walls I had build to protect me did their job

Why did I allow them to break down

When I was once so content exactly how I was

I feel myself losing it

All of it

The progress I made to want to be better

Deserve better

But now I’m thinking all I deserve is to forget you

Because I will feel and have with no one what I once had with you

So what’s the point

I'm already at the counter begging someone to hand me bricks and cement so I can rebuild those walls that kept me so safe

I almost don’t actually want to forget you rather no longer feel the warmth of those same memories that torture me at night.

I feel myself losing it

All of it

The progress I made to want to be better

Deserve better

Makes me sick, i'd rather just not

I need to just continue to play with my toys that are boys and fill this void I know will always be there

Be the puppet master of the dolls I bring out to play whenever I please

The best part is that I can just push them away whenever I want

There’s a satisfaction in having that control because control is something. I haven’t had in a long time

Perhaps this will always be a downfall of mine perhaps the next man to love me will see how disgusting I am for being like this but this that will still continue the cycle of not wanting anyone close to me anymore anyway