Losing it.. Losing all of it...

I feel myself losing it

All of it

The progress I made to want to be better

Deserve better

I can feel that will slipping in my hands like quicksand

I'm seeing that side of me go

But I can no longer control

How desperate I am not to care or feel

And once upon a time that was real and the walls I had build to protect me did their job

Why did I allow them to break down

When I was once so content exactly how I was

I feel myself losing it

All of it

The progress I made to want to be better

Deserve better

But now I’m thinking all I deserve is to forget you

Because I will feel and have with no one what I once had with you

So what’s the point

I'm already at the counter begging someone to hand me bricks and cement so I can rebuild those walls that kept me so safe

I almost don’t actually want to forget you rather no longer feel the warmth of those same memories that torture me at night.

I feel myself losing it

All of it

The progress I made to want to be better

Deserve better

Makes me sick, i'd rather just not

I need to just continue to play with my toys that are boys and fill this void I know will always be there

Be the puppet master of the dolls I bring out to play whenever I please

The best part is that I can just push them away whenever I want

There’s a satisfaction in having that control because control is something. I haven’t had in a long time

Perhaps this will always be a downfall of mine perhaps the next man to love me will see how disgusting I am for being like this but this that will still continue the cycle of not wanting anyone close to me anymore anyway