Whats the opposite of shouting love off the rooftops?

 I remember when I used to feel so in love I could not wait to share about it and talk about it and be so in that bubble of love that nothing else existed.

I do not think I have felt that way in years. 

Maybe a part of me deserves to be stuck in an unhappy dramatic wild ass partnership with someone.

I thought I deserved better but I feel like all the good honest and righteous men are nowhere around and I am stuck between being alone or being with someone who isn't all bad but also makes me feel so alone.

Even as I write that out I know it is bullshit and I need to strive for better.

Or at least be OK to be alone. Surely, being alone must be better than how I feel right now.

Love and Pornography

 I will share with you all a moment where I realized the negative power of pornography.

Someone I was with got so fucked up he would not stop watching porn. I am not even kidding when I say this person watched porn in my room next to me for about 12-14 hours while I was there.

But was I really there? I was not. They wanted to do to me what they saw on the screen.

They didn't care that I said I did not feel well, they did not care that my cramps were stabbing me in the ovaries, they did not care that I was unhappy, and they certainly did not care for me.

I kept asking for them to do it somewhere else but "that did not feel right"

So there I continued being degraded and ignored in my own space. 

This was not the first time, and whenever they apologized they wanted me to forgive them immediately and not "hold it over their head".

It isn't that I even have a problem with a partner watching porn, just not use it as a way to ignore and disrespect me. 

I have no problems with porn except when someone is trying to force me to watch these images with them.

I have no problem with porn when its used in a somewhat healthy expression that does not compromise someones soul.

My soul feels compromised, it feels violated, it feels as though it's value was diminished.

Fake ass Christmas shit

 I have been learning that people give you gifts to "show you how much you mean to them"

Quickly things go from showing you how much they supposedly value you but then turn around and judge you based on the gifts you get them. So everyone is basically evaluating how much other people care based on how much they spend on them.

I will not let anyone do that to me, I rather just tell everyone do not give me gifts and I won't give you any.

Much simpler this way. 

I work really hard for the things I want, and although I do like a lot of things I do not need them and I definitely do not need others getting it for me.

Everything I need I can get it myself. No one is ever going to hold shit like that against me again.

NO GIFTS FOR ME NEXT YEAR.

Rather be left the fuck alone. Leave me alone.