I hate the holidays

I hate holidays

the bullshit of a christmas spirit

you are all the same

before and after the tree

some of you will never change

Leaving you all for a far away land

At every corner with the questions the doubt

what was once a solid feeling feels more empty with the more and more holes poked

deflating the hope I have

debating if I know this feeling to be true

realizing it is probably not

So separated from the world, I feel lonelier every day

So dubious about all the relationships in my life

More dubious with time and the time slows every day

I am filled with sorrow and strife

I wish I could disappear

Far far far away from you all

Never a love again

Close your eyes and imagine in the depth of your heart a love so strong and intense that even after its end it leaves leaves it scar.

Your brain thinking
Is my heart sinking
My heart wincing
Barely surviving
Always choking
Low key hoping
But always knowing

Never again...

#KeepFamiliesTogether

A mother cries
As her spirit dies

She's not letting go
Because she doesn't know

The next time she'll see her son
He'll be lost among the ton

Of the separated children
That for all she knows will be hidden

These thruths, Founding Thoughts, Forgotten Truths

I lose my sense of direction as I read and analyze  these imperfections of a world so spiteful so hateful, and it spreads like an infection.
This revelation is creating a dissatisfaction, causing my inclination to think positive about our society, to commence disintegration. A fact that further shoves me into exasperation.
Desolation in the faces of those who are living in a society without redemption. An expression that breaks my heart and soul making me feel more vulnerable to oppression...
I will not let it win.

Rhetoric that cuts deeper and deeper into the backs of those who flee to this country in search of freedom, of those who love this country. Tell me something..

How can we save our humanity in the face of such insanity, in the face of immorality, that's slowly breaking away at my belief of the possibility that we can be a nation of inclusivity. We just have to...

Stay united as whole, even though it takes a toll, even though they wanna rip out the soul, of what really makes America great.

The melting pot, the saving spot, the country whose founding thoughts, were to give people a shot.

"We hold these truths to be self-evident: that all men are created equal; that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights; that among these are life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness" Whose truth is that? Are YOU true to that?

Thoughts in peril

Mentally lost and physically alone

My trust in people right now, completely blown

No love in my life and hardly any friends who shown

Their faces around me anymore

Old cry for help found whilst on an airplane

To get the ball rolling on my weekend from lovers memory past going, I opened a book I had last read some of months ago. It saddened me to see one of my... lets call it, a declaration of panic" note:

"Mad as hell my hands shaking
legs vibratin
And still
I sit still here
Frozen
Heart beating fast and chest tightening
can barely hear
tears threaten to spill
Spill. Spill. Spill.
But I have to look tough
In front of everyone here
in front of HIM

WHO GHOSTED MY LIFE
WHOSE LOSS OF LOVE HAS PUT ME IN STRIFE
HEART STABBED BY A KNIFE KNIFE KNIFE

WHO HAS NOW POPS UP AND LOOKS AT MY STORY
WITHOUT THINKING ABOUT HOW SORRY

that. would. make. me. feel. of. myself...
Loving you has strengthened by belief

That I Am Not Meant To Be Happy."

3 Steps forward, 100 steps back.... A broken hearts path

There was so much underlying pain already so present and they were consistently cursing through every vain

I put my ego, my pride, my walls, my guard down for a love that caused me almost as much pain as bliss and there were massive amounts of bliss

I had faith a felt that felt this good had to be something meant to be so I took so much humiliation in hopes that in the end was worth it, but it was all in vain

You did not claim me as yours and with each day adding insult by your tenacity in not letting go of a loves past, and I could no longer dismiss...

Our obvious differences in realities in how grand I thought this love to be. It was impossible not to resent this love that eclipsed ours still unto that day

At times it felt necessary to hide behind the debris that remained from the walls broken down, in order to catch my breath and attempt turning from this love so overwhelming that I constantly got lost inside

Attempts failing deeply, I'd give in to the love again but only to eventually brought down again by continuous lack of sharing himself completely and being unable to say he loved me without the glimmer of another lovers name on his tongue, I still remember the day:

I came across a letter to this old love about a dramatic between us, instantly degraded, deflated, and stripped of any pride I felt within our relationship, After that I knew I must decide...

If this love could survive or would I die inside without him. 

Months later still battling uphill in recovering from the hurricane of emotions that was us, I am having to revisit these painful memories in hopes of helping a friend caught in her own emotional accident site at the hands of her now ex-lover. 

A strong ass woman with the strongest character, was now sobbing at the edge of my bed. Tears flooding so hard, chest seizing from the inability to breathe, and cheeks reddening with madness, it took me back to the tears and depression I was left in after my own hearts catastrophe, leaving me lifeless and in the dark...

I had to share with my dear friend, how she is not alone, for I too was in the same insanity over the loss of my biggest life's love, and I too had to explain and show her

That she will eventually feel better. She then asked me if it ever really stops hurting, and to my dismay I realized.... it does not, forever living with a broken heart

Reliving those thoughts and emotions has made my days grey...

Losing it.. Losing all of it...

I feel myself losing it

All of it

The progress I made to want to be better

Deserve better

I can feel that will slipping in my hands like quicksand

I'm seeing that side of me go

But I can no longer control

How desperate I am not to care or feel

And once upon a time that was real and the walls I had build to protect me did their job

Why did I allow them to break down

When I was once so content exactly how I was

I feel myself losing it

All of it

The progress I made to want to be better

Deserve better

But now I’m thinking all I deserve is to forget you

Because I will feel and have with no one what I once had with you

So what’s the point

I'm already at the counter begging someone to hand me bricks and cement so I can rebuild those walls that kept me so safe

I almost don’t actually want to forget you rather no longer feel the warmth of those same memories that torture me at night.

I feel myself losing it

All of it

The progress I made to want to be better

Deserve better

Makes me sick, i'd rather just not

I need to just continue to play with my toys that are boys and fill this void I know will always be there

Be the puppet master of the dolls I bring out to play whenever I please

The best part is that I can just push them away whenever I want

There’s a satisfaction in having that control because control is something. I haven’t had in a long time

Perhaps this will always be a downfall of mine perhaps the next man to love me will see how disgusting I am for being like this but this that will still continue the cycle of not wanting anyone close to me anymore anyway

No Title

Think about all that you have left behind
Bring to the surface what is forced to the back of your mind
And bring forth that strength, the only kind...
That can push you forward and help you find
Seeing life worth working to fulfill, you'll no longer be blind.

It took me awhile to understand a life without you
I guess a part of me still doesn't believe it can be true
So I work on myself and to earn what is due
Because for now that is all that I can do
And I finally understand that focusing on me doesn't mean I cant love you

So I work hard not see your face everywhere I go
Because your face is so beautiful, I pause and then go slow
And in slowing down to appreciate the thoughts of you, I know
That I forgot about where I was going to begin with, which I have to stop doing if I want to grow...
There is a need of discipline when it comes to you, because I'm weak against you.... like the slaves to their Pharaoh.

I wake up in the morning thinking of you and craving you on me
Like how I need my huevo and cheese on salami
But now I know I cannot let those thoughts consume me entirely
For I must keep a clear head in order to act freely
Even though to force myself not to be about you is heresy

Everyday I get stronger and bolder
No longer feel like my shoulders carry this boulder
Made of the pain that was created from crushing my heart with a bulldozer
My penance has been paid and yet the struggle to stand up is not over
However everyday I'm greeted by the light of the realization that I hold my life's controller