Whats the opposite of shouting love off the rooftops?

 I remember when I used to feel so in love I could not wait to share about it and talk about it and be so in that bubble of love that nothing else existed.

I do not think I have felt that way in years. 

Maybe a part of me deserves to be stuck in an unhappy dramatic wild ass partnership with someone.

I thought I deserved better but I feel like all the good honest and righteous men are nowhere around and I am stuck between being alone or being with someone who isn't all bad but also makes me feel so alone.

Even as I write that out I know it is bullshit and I need to strive for better.

Or at least be OK to be alone. Surely, being alone must be better than how I feel right now.

Love and Pornography

 I will share with you all a moment where I realized the negative power of pornography.

Someone I was with got so fucked up he would not stop watching porn. I am not even kidding when I say this person watched porn in my room next to me for about 12-14 hours while I was there.

But was I really there? I was not. They wanted to do to me what they saw on the screen.

They didn't care that I said I did not feel well, they did not care that my cramps were stabbing me in the ovaries, they did not care that I was unhappy, and they certainly did not care for me.

I kept asking for them to do it somewhere else but "that did not feel right"

So there I continued being degraded and ignored in my own space. 

This was not the first time, and whenever they apologized they wanted me to forgive them immediately and not "hold it over their head".

It isn't that I even have a problem with a partner watching porn, just not use it as a way to ignore and disrespect me. 

I have no problems with porn except when someone is trying to force me to watch these images with them.

I have no problem with porn when its used in a somewhat healthy expression that does not compromise someones soul.

My soul feels compromised, it feels violated, it feels as though it's value was diminished.

Fake ass Christmas shit

 I have been learning that people give you gifts to "show you how much you mean to them"

Quickly things go from showing you how much they supposedly value you but then turn around and judge you based on the gifts you get them. So everyone is basically evaluating how much other people care based on how much they spend on them.

I will not let anyone do that to me, I rather just tell everyone do not give me gifts and I won't give you any.

Much simpler this way. 

I work really hard for the things I want, and although I do like a lot of things I do not need them and I definitely do not need others getting it for me.

Everything I need I can get it myself. No one is ever going to hold shit like that against me again.

NO GIFTS FOR ME NEXT YEAR.

Rather be left the fuck alone. Leave me alone.

You are a blow to my soul

 Do you ever feel so stuck and sucked by the earth beneath you

Can't thrive on your independent individual soul?

You ever feel like you are being used to death you have no expression to show?

I feel like I now know.. He won't leave me alone.

I feel such sadness how can you not tell

That I feel like a part of myself is dying over and over again

Why do you make me feel so...

I think about the people that have loved me

No one makes me feel as low

What a blow

To my soul.

Depravity knocking on my ego

 All those quiet things you do in the corner

with your wicked smile do not go unseen

Your depraved thoughts plastered on your face

It's like your're another person, for real.

I have no desire to be in the same category of thoughts as those filthy images

you wear on your neck like the heaviest and flashiest of necklaces

Sometimes i become so disgusted by it all.

Why am I in that category, you depraved soul?

Some lost thoughts

It is so hard to control emotions, i get the notion

that will not change

I desire a devotion, a passion as strong as the ocean

So different, it would be so strange

how do i find myself amongst all this chaos in my head

I crave to bravely take on this challenge

But I am terrified to face all that trauma instead

I do not know how I would manage

I have felt hurt, pain, and loneliness so deeply I have scars

I once met a woman who made me proud to show them as battle contusions

Bur alas she has been called up above the stars

Her teachings so powerful, in her honor I'd start a revolution

Have you ever met anyone so great everything they touched turned to love?

Whose love, intelligence, and motivation was all you felt you needed to succeed

Whose effect is long lasting even when its radiating from up above

In your honor, all is left is to spread those good deeds

That's what I'll do...

You're so insecure, you probably think this post is about you

 I have never been with someone so insecure...

I can taste your insults when you yell them at me...

You have such sadness and rage...

You bring out the worst in me...

How do we continue a life together when what we have is so fragile

Anything could make it crash, anything can make it fall

I used to think love could make you walk 100 miles

Feels like lately love is at a stall

Barely moving, barely growing, hardly showing.... each other love.

Hate me

You hate that I have guys friends
You hate that I like going out to the bars
You hate that I am friendly
You hate that you are not all I have to do.

You are so jealous all of the time
You are so damn insecure
You are so overprotective, like chill... I am NOT A LITTLE GIRL.

How is it I can be myself around you but at the same time I can't\
I feel stuck unable to see the future or if you and I are there.

Losing myself because of my lack of writing

Life feels like a constant string of responsibilities:

Taking care of my dad and being a part of my family, taking care of my dog, work responsibilities, being a girlfriend to a man I feel I am sometimes so different from..

My social life needs and my love and responsibilities to my friends.

I stopped doing things that make me feel like myself.

I do not work out anymore, I don't eat healthy anymore, I do not write stories anymore and I do not do poetry anymore...

An old friend asked me...

Hey I haven't seen you in a long time.... how's your writing going?

I almost cried.

Wiring is a part of me, it is partly how I define myself and it is what helps me understand myself, the world, and MYSELF IN THIS WORLD.

Today I promise I will get back to it.