Resilience

I wish you would come back to hold me in your arms as we look each other in the eyes and to look at me so intently as if the world would stop if you looked away.

I wish you would come back so that together we could try and be the better versions of ourselves with the help of each other.

I wish you would come back so that my faith in this love so real could be restored again.

I wish you would come back so I can really believe you loved me at some point.

Restore my faith in love
Restore my faith in the power above
Rescue my heart from failing
Rescue my heart from sinking
into such dark depths I know I continue to spiral into.
Free my soul from the agony that is losing you
Free me of this toll that is to only remember you
Confirm my beliefs of an epic romance
Confirm my desire for that loving glance
Praise these lips that long to kiss you
Praise this body that craves to show you how much I love you...

Sueños Repetidos

Anoche soñé contigo.

Por la mil noche desde que te fuiste

y me dejaste

en el viento como un globo perdido

como un susurro de amor no escuchado

Nunca en mi vida he tanto apreciado

la capacidad del poder olvidar.

Para mí, eso nunca será una opción.

Deseo tanto el poder de volverte a enamorar

Porque este corazón tan triste no tiene otra opción

Don't criminalize the romanticized and internalized love

I've come to realize and later internalize the reality of my own situation.
I empathize and sympathize  with every aspect of your being.
But when will I realize with these eyes that I am the one in need of feeling like a prize.
Instead I built this guise full of lies that''s got me moving clockwise.
This love for you will be my demise.
This love for you will only make me continue to agonize, until I receive it back.
I know it unwise to continue with this hope that defies everything I have ever believed.
But these butterflies, along with the rest of the zoo animals in my stomach...undies.
You mesmerize and immobilize every atom in me.
And even with all this pain and continued agony, this is a love I could never apologize for.
I love you.

Heart in a metal crate

I remember the days of laughter and joy
Where falling in love was the only ploy
Now I am laying here feeling like a toy

At night I still smell your scent
Those night time tears are imminent
So I use this blog to vent

About how despite how I'm hurt I still crave you
And think of you several times a day too
Recalling the days I called you boo

I think about how I still find myself unable to date
Sometimes it feels like that'll be my fate
And to keep this heart locked in a metal crate

Fucking Lost

Losing myself
And losing my faith
With No sense of self
Cynicism has me reduced to a wraith

I am dying of thirst
For a love that will quench me
I had a real love and that was the worst
Because in the end it nearly killed me

I think of him still, several times a day
Agonizing over his beautiful face
I never want that image to go away
Nor the look of tenderness he'd give me with every embrace

Now I am stuck, unable to move forward
Broken inside and sometimes outside
So fucking lost, can't walk norward
So I am going to just stay here, an forever hide

Cold Heart

I was asked the other day if I was single, I said yes.

This guy responded, '"Damn, how is a girl like you available?"

I told him I said I was single, not available.

Then I explained:

"I am in love with a beautiful man

Who broke my heart so bad it feels beyond repair

Crazy in love..I feel like a madman

This amount of pain just isn't fair''

He comes at me with this awesome bullshit about how he can help heal me and I said:

Äs much as I can't wait to not end my nights crying 

And passing his old building sighing

This pain here is something I am owning

With all its sorrow and mourning

Because this pain right here is proof

That this fickle heart is not always aloof

This heart is currently cold and broken

And it's only gotten colder with every word you've spoken...""

Lust at first sight

Her lips so soft and luxurious, as I kiss them I feel myself falling deeper.

Her tongue dances on mine as her smooth hands slide from the top of my shoulders and down my arms. I have goosebumps, my heart is beating fast, and my palms are sweaty. She moves her hips to touch mine and slowly we both sway with her leading me to the wall. The music is blaring and pounding, but nothing is louder than the beat of my heart. I can feel myself burning up everywhere; down my arms, through my ear lobes. down and down south...

Her hair bounces from side side to side, her curls inviting my hands to grab them. As i grab her head with a cupful of hair, I pull her closer. 

She understands this as an invitation and wraps her arms around my waist and rests her hands on the tail of my spine. As I  nibble on her lip, I feel her excitement and grabs my ass with both hands. With my hands I pull her head away and look in her eyes. Her hazel bright eyes become windows to the hunger bubbling up inside her and it immediately turns me on. Her emerald green leather skirt is are hanging low on her hips and I can't help but outline her pelvic bone with my index finger...

Creating Shells

I have good days, I have bad days.
The good days fly by without taking into account it was great
The bad days... well those I can't get out of my head.
There are random moments throughout the day where I think about HIM
and I cannot breathe
my heart starts beating a little faster
and tears come to my eyes.
It is so hard to act normal around people.
I hate boring my friends with the same old song.
About how sad I am. But I am exactly that. Distraught.
The worst part is I know he does not think about me.
I know he doesn't feel hurt like I do.
Because he was never fully in love with me.
And then he dropped me. From his life. And I never got a why.
Because I was not important enough.
Everyday that goes by the silence hardens me and builds another shell around this heart that once was so eager love.
Now the idea of ever feeling like this for anyone ever again scares me to my core.
I hope I never fall in love again.
I hope I never give anyone the power to make me feel this way again
Desolate and in despair; with memories of HIM agonizing me.
Thoughts of ever being touched by other hands make me shrill.
No one knows my body the way HE did
Or knows how to make my body open up like a flower on the first days of receiving sunlight in the Spring.
Instead, here I sit. Cold. Broken. And forever creating shells to hide in, so that I will never hurt again. So that maybe one day this will hurt less...

Untitled Love Declarations 2

El caer del poder de poder expresarse
Es como un mantel que te encubre y que despues te mate
Adios.

Untitled Love Declarations 1

Ever had the feeling triggered by the word love
That leaves you breathless and tight chested
Because you've experienced a version of it so real...
It fits like a glove
But also leaves you weak and exhausted
But you still need it to believe
In a world that's capable of such emotions?
WOW...

Jonathan is my world and all I want is to give him the same feeling
Because I can't imagine a world that has love without him...

My heart is broken...
I lay in bed with tears rolling down my cheeks
They stream endlessly stroking the aches my heart causes me to feel all over my body.
He says he does not believe I love him
But I think he chooses to believe that

If only he knew that I dream of him every night
If only he knew that his heart is worth the fight
If only he knew that the thought of life without him gives me fright
If only he knew that I desire him with all my might

My heart is broken...
The distance he creates between us is so painful
Knowing he can go days without even a thought of me destroys my soul
I know my Lion is in pain and is distraught, but it is unfortunate I believe in him more than he believes in himself.

If only he knew I think he is the greatest
If only he knew I think he is the smartest
If only he knew I think he is the sweetest
If only he knew how much I admire him

My heart is broken...
My Lion dwells in his sorrow and tramples
We are apart physically and spiritually
We are no longer in sync and my Lion has now successfully pushed me away
I think of him every single day

Irritation at the Realization of How I Feel

REJECTED by the lack of attraction
Creates tension
a whirl of emotion
a thirst for devotion
and it has me PARCHED.

There's a deep confusion
About this illusion
That I now feel I concocted myself.

When in turn there is a profusion
of emotion
that sits stirring in my belly

I crave an absolution
That the intrusion
Of this vulnerability is not my fault

Sometimes I see the fluctuation
of how others see me
A dissipation of the image in which others regard me...
 crumbles my soul

Is there a correlation of this intense eradication of the person I thought I was?
My behavior vs. Who I truly am?

My only consolation relies in the attention of those I think love me most
This infatuation that I have on my image will result in the disillusion of who I am...


There is a part of me scared I will eventually not be desirable and the ugliness inside me will break through and push away anyone that loves me.

THE TRUE RESISTANCE

RESIST
RESIST
RESIST
RESIST
RESIST
RESIST

RESIST the urge to embrace your worst self

Closing Eyes and Opening Truths

When I close my eyes I see nothing but darkness
I take a second to ponder why I cannot see anything; feel anything
I think i am slowly coming to the realization that I am simply scared of seeing.. of knowing... confronting some truths and pressures that I know lie within me

The truth is I know:
I am

Lost
Insecure
Uninspired
DISAPPOINTED in human beings and the fickleness of affection and attention that rules our generation.

Ode to the True Forces

To the sun and the moon
I envy your strength; your power
To the tall trees that tower over me
I envy your self-preservation

This is the conversation I constantly have with myself
There is a power behind these forces that I feel can come within us
I wish I could use that power I harness, and spread it to those most in need of it
When I feel lost I look at these amazing forces within our universe
And it shows me how things are always bigger and grander
Rainy dark days come with the promise that tomorrow or next will be better...
Because we have already endured the ugly.

Have you ever been inside a persons body that you then wan to become a part of?
Like an essential organ, like a lung, that makes you absolutely essential for them to breathe?

And as you become necessary for another's breath; you realize that in turn THEY are the ones who have inserted their body in yours? And ironically, they will now always be your breath.
There is a helplessness that comes with that but in return there is a power in understanding this.

Dear all daring universe, I tell you now that I do not know much,
But what I do know is tat my heart is slowly becoming yours...

-Jess